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06 July 201103:20PMtea

Sometime in the last six months I started drinking tea. Normally I'd start a story like this off with, "It all started when...", but honestly, I couldn't tell you. It's sort of snuck - okay, hold on a sec. I could swear that snuck was the past participle of sneak, but spellcheck is giving me a red squiggle. Then again, spellcheck gives spellcheck a red squiggle too, so it's probably not all that trustworthy. says it's legit- of American origin, but since become used universally, so I guess that's okay then.What was I talking about again?

Oh right. Tea.

It's sort of snuck into my life. Like some kind of stealthy backstabbing beverage double-agent- Okay another random aside, my brain's misfiring in all sorts of random directions tonight: Why aren't there caffiene-based cocktails? Served in cafes and the like? The stealthy backstabbing beverage double agent would be a brilliant name for a coffeetail- maybe a shot of espresso on the bottom with tea layered on top? Although that would taste pretty horrible. I guess that's why they don't make them.

Yes okay, tea already.


Anyway, next thing I know I'm making tea all the time. My beverage history looks approximately like this:

As you can see, the past six months have indeed showed an alarming increase in the consumption of tea, and that's totally not because this graph is something I just threw together for this post. No sir. This is a totally accurate real- time heuristic data set kept by a team of trained monkeysstatisticians since time immemorial. So whence (that means why) tea?

As far as I can ascertain, tea has three key advantages.

  1. Generally, tastes better than coffee. This is key. Instant coffee tastes like burnt dirt, and non-burnt-dirt coffee is apparently brewed only by short Mauritian French teachers, made so strong you can stand a spoon up in it and tasting like liquid gold. Essentially, there's no range at all between transcendentally awesome and crap, and for someone who wants something consistently, well, decent, that's no good.
  2. More widely available than Milo. This point was originally going to be 'More grown-up than Milo', but that's a load of crap. I don't care about looking grown up, particularly. However, during the Milo phase, I did end up having to carry a small tin of the stuff myself, and while that led to some fun shenannigans with those vending machines which will give you free hot water, and milk for 50 cents, it's not really feasible for if someone offers you tea or coffee.
  3. Considerably more versatile. If I drink coffee, I have it super duper white, with craploads of sugar, because, as point one illustrates, it usually tastes like dirt. Whereas tea? Tea doesn't taste like anything much. If I feel hardcore, I can drink it without sugar. If there's no milk, I can have it black. And either way, it still pretty much tastes the same- lightly flavoured hot water, basically.

I'd love to be one of those coffee addicts. Coffee is very much the nocturnal nerd's drink of choice. Heck, the stuff smells amazing, and I'd swill Mocha- flavoured flavoured milk until I passed out. Unfortunately, it between the Woolies break room and one amazing cup last year, it just tastes like bleh. And I guess that's why I drink tea now.

Stay tuned for tomorrow, when I make my very own Aperture Science Tea* Cup!

*Actually a coffee mug, but seriously, who makes tea in a pot with a proper cup and saucer and stuff? Apart from, you know, the Queen. And toffy Brit ex-pats.

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